You’ve been asked to an Orthodox funeral, maybe for the first time, and you don’t know what will happen or what you’re meant to do.
One moment often surprises a first-time visitor. Near the end of the service the mourners go up one by one to the open coffin to say goodbye, while the choir sings, “Come, brethren, let us give the last kiss unto the dead, rendering thanks unto God.” One of the verses is sung in the voice of the one who has died, who asks everyone to weep and then says, “But come, all ye who loved me, and kiss me with the last kiss.”
What happens during the service?
A short service called the Trisagion is often held the evening before, at the funeral home or in church. It takes its name from its opening prayer, the Trisagion, “Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on us.” In one Greek parish it lasts no more than 10 minutes. The funeral itself is held in church, and in that parish it usually lasts about an hour. The coffin stays open until the last kiss.
Here is the order in one Greek parish. Most of it is sung. It begins with Psalm 119, “Blessed are those whose way is blameless, who walk in the Law of the LORD” (Psalm 119:1), and goes on to hymns, each sung after the verse “Blessed are You, O LORD; teach me Your statutes” (Psalm 119:12). The choir sings “With the saints give rest” while the priest swings incense over the coffin and the people. Then come hymns written by St John of Damascus in the 700s. The first asks, “What earthly sweetness remaineth unmixed with grief?”, and it ends by asking Christ to give the departed rest “in the light of Thy countenance.” After readings from 1 Thessalonians 4 and John 5, the priest preaches and prays that God will give the departed rest “in a place of light.” Then the people sing “Memory eternal” and come up for the last kiss. Russian parishes sing it after the kiss instead. Afterwards the priest anoints the body in the sign of the cross with oil and earth. A shorter service at the grave commits the body to the earth to await the resurrection.
The hymns don’t hide death, but the funeral doesn’t sound like despair. In a sermon on the letter to the Hebrews, John Chrysostom asked his people why a funeral had bright torches, hymns and psalms. The torches sent the dead on like athletes who had won, he said, and the hymns “give thanks that at last He has crowned the departed one.” At his brother’s funeral, Gregory of Nazianzus told how their mother put on festive church clothes instead of mourning clothes and quieted her tears with psalms. None of this means mourners mustn’t cry, since Jesus Himself wept for His friend Lazarus (John 11:35).
What will I see at the coffin?
The body lies in an open coffin, often with an icon or a cross in the hands, and the people around it hold lit candles. In Russian parishes and some others, a paper band lies across the forehead, printed with the same “Holy God” prayer. It stands for a crown, like the one Paul hoped for when he wrote, “I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. From now on there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness” (2 Timothy 4:7-8). At the end of the service the priest reads a prayer asking God to forgive the departed, and in some parishes he lays the printed text in their hand.
What should I do as a guest?
Orthodox Christians stand for most of their services, but a guest doesn’t have to. One Orthodox parish tells its visitors that they “will not offend anyone” by choosing not to cross themselves, kiss the icons or stand throughout, and that they can “simply stand or sit reverently and observe.”
At the last kiss, parishes differ. In one Greek parish everyone is invited to come forward, kiss an icon of the Resurrection and pay their respects to the departed. In another, the mourners kiss a small icon laid on the shroud and then the band on the forehead. If you’d rather not go up, you can stay where you are. For what to say to the family, see what to say when someone dies.
What should I wear?
Wear what you would wear to church. The Orthodox Church in America says, “There is no requirement in the Orthodox Church that those in mourning must wear black,” and notes that the clergy at funerals usually wear white. In many cultures the family wears black all the same.
Can I send flowers?
You can, but ask the family first. One Greek parish tells families that giving to a charity in the person’s memory is “far more consistent with our values” than spending large sums on flowers.
What happens after the burial?
The family usually invites everyone to a meal. Greeks call it the makaria, and one Greek parish serves broiled fish at it, as a reminder of the bread and fish the risen Jesus gave His disciples (John 21:12-13). The same parish keeps the speeches for the meal. Only the priest speaks in church, and family and friends share their memories afterwards, over the food. More prayers follow in the weeks after, above all on the 40th day.
Can an Orthodox Christian be cremated?
The Orthodox Churches bury their dead and see burial as the sowing of a seed: “What is sown is perishable; it is raised imperishable” (1 Corinthians 15:42). Most refuse a church funeral to someone who chose to be cremated. The Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America says, “The Church does not grant funerals … to persons who have chosen to be cremated.” The Holy Synod of the Moscow Patriarchate does not approve of cremation either. Where the law or great distance makes burial impossible, it makes allowances, and it asks that the ashes be buried. The Orthodox Church in America says the Church “does not condemn cremation outright, provided that there is a valid reason for it,” as in Japan, where the law requires it.
If a loved one has already been cremated, talk to your priest about what can still be done. The Moscow synod says that Christians who for any reason had no church burial are not left without the Church’s prayers. Around AD 200 the Christian writer Minucius Felix wrote that every body, “whether it is dried up into dust, or is dissolved into moisture, or is compressed into ashes, or is attenuated into smoke,” is “reserved for God in the custody of the elements.”
What if they took their own life, or weren’t Orthodox?
Both are questions for the priest, because the answer depends on the case and often on the bishop. Families may pray at home for someone who wasn’t Orthodox, and, with a priest’s blessing, for someone who took their own life. If you are thinking of harming yourself, call or text 988 in the United States. If you are in danger right now, call 911 or your local emergency number. You do not have to carry this alone.
